You and I, we enjoy one another’s company, I don’t think there’s any denying that on either side, but when it comes to the big things in life, while I hope that we can have a rational discussion, I fear that there won’t be understanding without an alteration of the heart, and I know the ground I stand on, and I won’t move.
I don’t adhere to any particular branch of Christianity because for me Christianity is not a religion but a relationship with God, but I have chosen to believe the Christian history of God. I believe that the Bible is God-inspired.
Is it the only God-inspired text? Maybe not. Maybe other sacred texts are God-inspired too because a lot of them hold similar root messages. I don’t believe that prophets are infallible. Peter climbed out of the boat, and he walked on water, but then he doubted and he sank. Paul started as a hunter of the Christians and became one of the greatest teachers of Christianity. David killed his friend to steal his wife. The differences in the texts might be moments where the prophet doubted and he felt the winds and he felt the waves or even where he sank. I don’t know.
What I know is that God is real. He’s a friend of mine, and He watches out for me daily. I see him in the eyes of my friends and in the way that their hearts bend towards the less fortunate and towards one another. I feel him in the little moments of a car crash barely avoided, a kind word from a customer, something that goes right when I didn’t think that it could, that time that I got a 90 on the Latin test that I didn’t study for until breakfast that morning and the words of which I didn’t know when I left for class.
Somehow or another, you’ve turned your face from God, but I don’t think He’s turned from you, and maybe I’m here to throw you a life preserver, but I don’t know that I can be certain of you in a lifelong partnership. If I pull you back on the boat, will you be able to find the life preserver if I need ever it? Will you remind me where it is when I forget? I want you on the boat–I want that badly–but I want a seasoned sailor–one who knows the Captain and knows the ship–to help me when I’m flailing in the water–and maybe that’s horribly selfish, it’s definitely a thought driven by fear, but it’s how I feel.
I hope you can understand that I can’t give up my First Husband for my second. I need the second to be able to accept and love my First Husband or the partnership becomes unequal and the marriage fails to be what I want it to be, not that either is head but that each is the helpmeet of the other, the one that makes the other work best in the role that each is given by their gifts. Because I won’t give up the One Man that I’m sure that I can depend upon for anything, despite anything, the One Man without flaw who I could find in the whole of the universe.
And I’m sorry if that hurts. Hurting you is not what I want. But I can’t trust my body to one with whom I cannot trust my soul.
And I hope that we can be friends still because I truly do enjoy your company, and I don’t want to lose you from this, but I had to let you know how I felt. I had to let you know my fears. No relationship can exist without openness.
This is a subject I’ve been thinking and worrying about a lot lately. And while we’re talking about fears, I’m not sure how I feel now about putting this out on the Internet and attaching my name to it, but when I wrote it, I was pretty certain that it needed to be available for the wider consumption of the Internet in some form at some time. Then I remembered that I’d been asked if I was participating in this week’s legal theft. I used this line for legal theft because the timing was opportune and, yes, I was interested to see what would become of it if I sent it out of context into the world. I hope you all will take my words and fears as an opinion of an individual and not a wider population, and I hope you won’t judge me and especially not others harshly for what I’ve said. But I hope this is what some of you need or want to hear; for whatever reason, I hope it comforts or uplifts you. I hope you can see the hope and strength I have in my first marriage.